I always like December. This month is my birthday and Christmas. I am myself not a Christian but the idea of Christmas has been building up along with me since I was kid. The Home Alone movie that is aired during the holiday, the snow, the balsam needle tree, and all cute cartoons with Santa I have been watching. Being born 24 hours before Christmas makes my birthday ambiance is Christmas itself. The song ‘All I want for Christmas is You’ mainly serves to my birthday.
And here we are, in the December again. Time flies quickly and only if I hadn’t taken any notes, I might have wondered where did I have waste my time. This sacred month is magnificent time to do annual reflection for things throughout the year, for how did I manage 365 days alive, for both the brand new age and for new earth revolution. To plan years onward, what to do and what to accomplish ahead.
In the nutshell: 2016 is both immensely tough and inspiring year.
On Works
They say, to do great job is doing what you love. Do I love what I am doing here? Tough question, I have to admit probably around 80%. I have been in the company for 2 years and 4 months and my job mainly is the same thing with what I have been doing since two years ago. My work environment is awesome, I am surrounded by supportive boss and colleagues, good pay, but the works I am doing has quite become my routine and I am dull about it. It has been another year at work, for perks they have given me to travel around the world while doing the business.
I am now more dealing with my internal issues. I find it difficult to maintain my consistency of years’ practice to focus on my job whilst my mind goes wander to do this in here and there to deal with monotonous. I always notice that I am a person who constantly seeks something new, either challenge, something exciting, lesson, or anything. I have been experiencing the peak and the valley, which sometimes are emotional for me. Recently, they put me in the lowland to challenge my excessive energy to quiet. Conquering myself at the best against boredom and to stay sane at work.
I am considering to jump out to the school again next year, to escape myself from my internal challenge. Perhaps starts over in the brand new place, to start new experience and to switch my career ahead. But, to escape has never been the answer. I am having enough privilege to figure out my life at this time, to consider whether I would like to pursue my study further (and switching major career), just to move to another role in the company, to move to other company or to get married. In the time being, I definitely have to stretch my endurance against internal monster, at least until the debt is paid off in the next 1.5 years.
On Family
The best way to form strong bond is dealing with same troubles and supporting each other. This financial situation had gotten me closer to my mum, my sister and my lil brother. However, sometimes we do still had fight each other. We had decided to postpone my lil brother school until next year to a good boarding school.
Recently, there was a fight I had with mum which tremendously hit me. My mum is in her early menopause period and being extra sensitive, she also seems experiencing what’s so called social pressure where many of her peers are celebrating marriage for their children. One day, she approached me and brought up marriage issue towards me. After long day at work, instead convincing her the other way around in a better way, I was complaining how messed up I am after breakup and how the financial baggage has dragged me down. It broke her tears and I felt awful myself.
It finally come to my realization too.. I am given a blessing to ease her burden, not to make thing in the other way around. She had already more than enough to carry the world herself already.
This year has been a year is year to strengthen my bond tied by the blood.
I want to walk far, and I need them to always be with me.
On Relationship
2016 is an awesome year to have someone who once you can rely and trust with all your heart, although it comes with costly price. Few months ago I just had painful breakup for my first serious relationship, the pain felt so real that made me thinking I was numb and shattered (drama! ahaha). I was fortunate enough for having someone like him who I can always count on in anytime. Sometimes it still felt surreal that we are no longer in relationship, my mind is in denial and assume that we’re just in a little quarrel and he’ll be around somehow.
Unfortunately, in a healthy relationship, we cannot have two alphas dominating relationship with contradictory ego. Being with someone who has been single for 8 years is tough. Having no experience of serious relationship before definitely does not help. Although, often I can preach about wisdom and consciousness, when it comes to love, I also got blinded to see. I am not lying that I still miss him here and there. I also understand it will take some times until the aches are completely mended and recovered
There was something funny happened this year too. Just less than 24 hours post my breakup, the guy whom I had huge crush last year popped out of the blue contact me again and flew all the way from Hanoi, Vietnam to Jakarta, Indonesia only just to see me over the weekend. I am impressed and skyrocketing when he used my Quora answer to flirt (aww). He just never ceased me to be amazed, even after all these years that he has been watching me from afar.
I do not know what are these event series supposedly meant though. Maybe the head over heels feeling he gave me is a temporal troubleshot for my glorious breakup. Maybe in the future our path will cross again. Maybe just maybe, I just want to carry on and see what happens next.
I am convinced that people comes in life as special gift to pass my intensive lesson towards my betterment, chapter learning how to treat someone dearly and taking care someone on our own. This is an extraordinary experience to have in-depth understanding towards myself. I really look forward to improve myself a lot lot more, for my next turn.
On My Personal Growth
The biggest highlight of the year is my failure in the relationship and my financial situation. Both contributes tremendous effect upon how I see the world. I learn to recognize my issue within myself through the agonizing relationship and wrecked financial status. They are double shot at once, upon recognizing lack of myself which are my ego and my insecurities and my respond towards challenges which are working hard and humility.
I realize that myself is someone who admires perfection and it motivates me to work on my best. In a way, I found it difficult to admit and to accept my own imperfections, the flaws within myself, especially when someone else has to point that out (like during argument with my ex). To me personally, it was an insult to my intelligence that I was lack of my self-reflections. I was impatience enough to grasp the actual meaning based on daily interaction and often jump to short judgment. If only I could be less tempered and less emotional, I think more of things will work out.
On the other hand, I found out that I need a constant connection and validation from another. It indicates that I have been keeping up insecurities, which I learns as the result from fear of being alone. My shortcoming argument might sound invalid, but I found myself scared and constantly seek for connection to validate my existence. This idea extends to my selfishness for fear of failure, rejection, being uncomfortable situations, taking risk of my own actions, and definitely for being imperfect. There is nothing cool about being terrified about one life, I can never move on in many scope areas of life; in relationship, work or professional environment, and every time when I have to make big decision during injury time.
Everyone move on their pace, on their time, and on their clock. I do not want to do this anymore and I just really want to move forward, more consistent, more confident and to be more sensible human being who doesn’t only care about me, myself, and I.
Hit by financial rage is reminder for myself to be humbler towards anyone. Nobody ever wanted or ever chose to live and to stay in hard situation. No one ever wanted to be born in the hardship to struggle with and moreover in the poverty, to the point thinking what to eat next. Nonetheless, wretched situation is not something to be shunned too, because we just really never understand why they are in such situation at the first place. Perhaps because life is unfair, and their unfairness that makes all fair. Always be kind.
On the others
I read a lot this year! Who-ho! My outstanding year to finished cover to cover more than 20 books. I invested more than 50 new books this year, for both paper book and electronic book. Unfortunately, I don’t recall if there was anything in particular so special and I have not yet found my significant life changing book, like the Forty Rules of Love from Elif Shafak which I read on 2014. I do still reading my annual ritual, reading Bumi Manusia – Pramoedya.
They say, travels makes you find yourself of who you are. This year embarks my journey to many places I have never been to; New Delhi, Miami, New York, Dubai, Aceh, Lampung and still few times to Singapore. In fact, ever since I have been working in my current company, I travel a lot. Not in a sense of getting lost in a strange place then I found who I am, but travel for work. Having my breakfast, lunch, dinner with my clients, it’s quite rather superficial to just do routine in another place. I need to travel for the traveling sake and I have been craving for new adventure.
I am reminded that the top three on my bucket-list are:
- Traveling the world to get 25 different visas before I turn 40
- Getting married with a lovely and caring husband and having twins children
- Establishing public library on my own as good as Freedom Institute Library
I also figure out that I am moderately liberal person, who hopefully with well-functioning brain to reasoning. I do not want to impose my personal belief to anyone, because it is something very personal and inherently inseparable with the genetic, background, and social experiences of ones. I would like to call myself who has concern in intellectual responsibility, moral (without any further argument on religious section), and universal value of respect and tolerance. I understand that not everyone has the ability and capacity or somehow given the privileges of supporting circumstances to be what I am today and that is okay.
On embracing 24 years old and 2017
They say, after storm passed it is a momentum to start good new days. My recent breakup and family turbulence are my turning point to switch condition. They say, nobody likes to start over because the fear of the unknown that may lead to endless suffering. I am aware myself is pretty anxious person who tends to worry about clutter and scattered thing. I just want to move ahead towards my goals.
I am trying to broaden my perspective, life is much more than series of achievement that looks so grand to be put in the CV, neither it is only about the making cross after cross in the bucket list. To me, it is also for gaining the benefit from what failure has given me.
It is failure that teach us to live, how to survive and how to do kindness.
It Is OK to fail, to be in uncomfortable situation, and it is OK not to be OK.
But It is not OK for not getting up and pursuing our dream, it is not OK for not trying again, even after millions of failures. Because nothing in this world is everlasting, not the pain, not the uncomfortable situation, not awkward moment, not even the fatigues and the sufferings. Moving on!
To start over is scary, but there is something more beautiful to begin again. It is liberating.
Next year; I should be braver.
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