Day I don’t know, but it's 3 months away from 1st death anniversary

I've spent the last few months being suspiciously okay. Like, "did I accidentally delete my trauma?" kind of okay. I even had the audacity to wonder if I was becoming some cold-hearted robot because the "missing her" part just... stopped. I was basically gaslighting myself into thinking I'd won at grief.

Turns out, I hadn't won. I was just on a commercial break.

Last week proved that. It was right after Maghrib, I was on my period, and my hormones had decided that that particular night was the night we self-destruct. You know that specific kind of PMS where even a slightly tilted chair makes you want to burn the house down? Yeah, add "unresolved grief" to that mix. Total disaster waiting to happen.

Then out of nowhere, this tidal wave of longing just hit. No warning. No "hey, prepare yourself first." Just a straight punch to the chest.

I ended up digging through my closet like orang gila until I found it, that last green abaya I bought for her. The one she wore so much it basically lived on her body. I'm so glad I never washed it.

I pressed my face into the fabric and.

It still had her scent.

It's so unfair, that a piece of cheap fabric can hold onto a person better than my own brain can. One smell and all my "I'm so healed" progress went straight to trash. Turns out I'm not some stoic queen. I was just a girl crying into a used baju while my uterus was also trying to kill me at the same time.

We're three months away from the one-year mark now. A whole year of officially jadi anak piatu, that's such a weird, shitty milestone to even say out loud. I thought I was doing okay, functioning like a normal person, but duka is just a very patient stalker, ternyata. It knew exactly when I was at my weakest, right after Maghrib, bloated, already fragile to remind me that the hole in my life is still exactly the same size it was on day one.

I was messy. I was leaking from everywhere(eyes and otherwise), and I still really, really wanted my Mom. Scent is the ultimate trigger. And apparently, I am not as over it as I thought.