I’ve spent the last month inhaling expensive perfumes and settling myself in new layout of organization, but the most intense scent I’ve encountered lately is actually the smell of my own ego burning down. It’s been a total learn how to unlearn of the soul. I spent twelve years building this armor, this version of myself that was a so typical independent woman, career driven, high performing only to realize that when you strip it all away, you're left with something much simpler, A side quest.
Recently, I hit one of those typical corporate friction points. You know the type the subtle who is she? energy, people questioning your placement or dropping passive-aggressive hints about what someone in my position should already know. In my old life, this would have been a five-alarm fire for my ego. I would have stayed up until 3 AM over preparing, memorizing technical charts just to earn my seat and prove I wasn't a fluke. I would’ve been terrified of being seen as average.
But this time? I felt this strange, defiant calm. I looked at the friction, I smiled, and I just let it be. This peace didn’t come from some management book, it came from my Ramadan soundtrack this year, and few twist and turn in the past year. I’ve been constantly surrounding myself with the Putbal series Pandji x Ust. Felix Siauw on youtube, and it’s been a massive reality check. It stripped away all the complications I’d built around my faith and reminded me that Islam is actually simple, that Allah is overflowing with Rahman and Rahim, Allah is near, even closer than our jugular vein.
I also recently stumbled upon a reminder about the etiquette of prayer that really hit home
"Allah itu Maha Mengetahui dan Maha Mengabulkan doa, tapi kalau kita minta sama Allah dan maksa harus dikabulin, sebenernya kita itu berdoa buat kita atau buat Allah?"
Kita itu hamba, Hamba Allah. A servant doesn't dictate, a servant trusts. This realization changed everything. I’m finally starting to internalize that life is for worshipping Allah, and everything else, the career, the status, my random obsession with puchasing new abayas every now and then are just filling the free time. Like doing the work, but actually waiting for the next prayer, or the next weekend to just be home and with my husband, or the next chance to send an Al-Fatihah for Mama. That’s the real life. Pas aku nurunin derajat dunya dari identitas aku jadi cuma instrumen untuk bersyukur, the stakes just evaporate. Kerja jadi alat buat cari nafkah, to make ends meet, dan cara buat berterima kasih karena masih dikasih hidup. Titik.
There is sooo much more out there beyond the works. So, if things go sideways, if I’m underestimated at work, or if I finally deal the unwritten etiquette of being a new hire who (hopefully) gets pregnant after 6 years, then so be it. If He grants it, Alhamdulillah. If He delays it, I trust His timing. I’ve stopped white knuckling the steering wheel. It’s just dunya, anyway.
Maybe I’m not scared of losing in this dunya anymore because my north star has shifted. Eight months since my mom passed, and this weekend would have been her 62nd birthday. Idul Fitri came and went, and I felt strangely numb, like my brain had cut the wires to my emotions just so I could function through the career change. I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel missing her on the holiday.
But now, it’s hitting me, my only competition is with me from yesterday. Sejujurnya, the reason I’m not afraid of leaving the world behind is because of her. In the afterlife, I get to be with my Mama again. That’s the ultimate goal. Everything I’m doing now, the work, the patience, the trying to be better is just me gathering enough provisions to make sure I qualify to sit with her again. When that’s your north star, being underestimated by a coworker feels like a minor inconvenience on a very long, very beautiful journey.
My husband, despite being super cerewet and annoying in that specific way only husbands can be, is the person who keeps my feet on the pavement. He was so protective when I told him about the friction, offended on my behalf. He reminded me, "You can catch up on technicals in 6 months tops, but you can't teach leadership over few months." How lucky I am to have him next to me (and indeed the 5 average people around us would tell who we are)
In the end, I’m learning to let go of the steering wheel. Aku baru sadar kalau selama ini aku capek bukan karena bebannya, tapi karena aku merasa harus memegang kendali atas semuanya. Padahal, my only job is to be a good servant. Selebihnya? Itu urusan Allah pemilik semesta alam dan jagat raya ini. And it’s incredibly liberating.
I’m finally at peace with being a student again, in my career, in my faith, and in this quiet grief for my Mama. I’m just filling my free time now, doing my best with what’s in front of me, and trusting that He has already written the most beautiful ending for my story.
Hasbunallahu wa ni'mal wakil. Cukuplah Allah bagi aku, dan Dia adalah sebaik-baiknya pelindung. Dan untuk pertama kalinya dalam 12 tahun, I’m actually okay with that.
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